A silly place filled with caffeine induced ramblings of this person named KarmaGirl....or something.
Published on October 18, 2005 By KarmaGirl In Blogging

Loss:
My family has had a lot this month.  My husband lost his Grandma a couple weeks ago.  We had to have our 10 year old dog put down last Friday, and I just found out that an Aunt is going to die in the next few days.  It has been a month filled with sadness and loss.  It seems like we just start feeling a bit better about something, and WHAM! something else hits us.

Pain:
I have auto-immune diseases which are painful.  However, it appears that emotional pain can actually trigger physical pain.  Lately I have been feeling *really* bad.  I chalked it up to my recent business trip added to the stress of the loss of my husband's Grandma and having to have our dog put down.  However, my Rheumatologist said differently.  It appears that they have found a bunch of links between our emotional feelings and sensation of pain.  People with certain medical conditions experience great physical pain along with the emotional.  It's also why stress triggers auto-immune "flares".  This Dr. appointment had its ups and downs.  On the down side, it was revealed that I actually have Fibromyalgia on top of my Arthritis and "Lupus".  This Dr. is just treating me as basically an auto-immune basket case, which is what I prefer.  Why bother trying to classify it anymore?  I rather just get treated. On the up side, I got new drugs, which should prove if they are working after a month or so of use.  Hopefully they will since I'm getting really tired.  Right now I am trying to recover from the emotional/physical pain that has been hurled at me this month.  Hopefully it will subside soon since Halloween parties and my daughter's Birthday are almost here.

Dreams:
I tend to have odd dreams.  I watch them (all of them) in 3rd person.  I also see them in Black and White, even though I have been told that's not possible.  Hey, if I could show them to you, I would. 

Anyway, last night I had the absolute freakiest dream I have ever had.  I know that I can't give the whole picture, but I will give the highlights. It started out with me sitting in the backyard of the house I grew up in.  I realized that my recently deceased dog was sitting by me nudging me to pet him.  Pretty normal until the scene changed to me sitting with this dog at my in-laws talking to my husband's recently deceased Grandma that was giving me instructions on how to use her KitchenAid mixer attachments (it's the one thing that I am "inheriting" from her).  She thanked me for the picture that her husband likes to look at everyday, and told me to be good to my husband.  I gave her a hug and walk outside with my dog following me with his odd little walk and barking because he sees another dog.

This is where it gets really odd.  The other dog is a hunting dog.  It walks up to us, then walks a little distance and looks back.  We follow him.  We then end up back up north where I grew up, but this time we are in a neighbor's woods.  I look around, and the dog is way up in front of me chasing a rabbit.  The rabbit changes direction back at the dog.  I hear a shot, and the dog falls.  I then see my neighbor, who I grew up with, walk up to the dog, fall to his knees and start crying.  He then turns the gun on himself and kills himself.

The person in my dream killed himself a few years ago.  The story that I was told is that he was living by himself, was broke, and only had his dog.  One day he went into the woods, killed his dog, then killed himself.  But, my dream makes me wonder if that was the series of events, or if my dream is remembering something about his personality that sheds different light on what happened. Would somebody that is so down kill themselves because they accidentally shot their own dog?  I guess I will never know.

Loss, Pain and Dreams.......my how things can mess with you.


Comments
on Oct 18, 2005

 

but it you want more of my thoughts on this I'll do it via email.

I have my thoughts on it, but I would love to hear yours.  My dreams are so very real sometimes that I feel like I need to pay more attention to them.  This isn't the first time he has been in my dreams.  I think his death really bothered me, even though we were far from being friends. 

I've noticed too that my flare-ups tend to increase in frequency and severity when I'm feeling blue or experiencing stress.

I've noticed it too, but I guess I just needed an MD to let me know I wasn't insane.  Auto-immune diseases really mess with your head.  Sometimes I think I'm simply insane and ignore certain pain.  That usually doesn't work well in the end, though.

Im so sorry to hear about your dog, and your grandma-in-law.

Thank you for that.  I've been seriously down lately, but I have hopes that things will get back to normal soon.  I will feel better when my dogs start being noisy again.  They are really lost without their alpha dog to follow.  I used to yell at him so much when he started bellowing.  Man, I sure wish I could hear that bellow now.  Guess it's easy to take things for granted, huh?

 

on Oct 18, 2005
So very sorry to read of your losses, what an emotional stressing time for you.

Yes, stress aggravates the RA, I too have that along with the osteoarthritis and gout. If I"m
upset my body hurts more.

I think it's quite possible a person would shoot themself if they accidentally shot their dog,
especially when the dog might be their only joy in life......

Hope life treats you kind and that sunshine finds you again soon, Katy
on Oct 18, 2005
((((((((((Karma)))))))))))))) What a rough couple of weeks! I'm sorry for your losses.
on Oct 18, 2005
I feel so bad for you, honey. It never rains, but it pours, huh?

I've known for a while that stress increases my pain level. I've been trying to avoid it, but with everything that's been going on lately it's been rough.

I think that dreams are sometimes ways for that which we don't fully understand to communicate with us. I've had some vivid dreams about my deceased grandparents, and everything they've told me in those dreams has either come true or has been exactly what I needed to hear. I think that your dream was the latter....it must've really been something.

And finally, yes, I do believe that someone who was depressed in the first place might be driven to suicide by the death of their pet. I've read articles about people who lived alone apart from their dog or cat, and when the animal fell ill the owner's health and mental well-being declined as well....because they simply couldn't handle the thought of living without their beloved pet.

Henry's a better frined to me than some human I know, and he loves me more than some of my relatives do!
on Oct 19, 2005

Henry's a better frined to me than some human I know, and he loves me more than some of my relatives do!

That reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw on a farmers truck: "The more people I get to know, the more I like my dog."

on Oct 19, 2005
You know that I feel for you. You sure got the short end of the stick where inherited physical crap goes. Sure wish I knew what to do or say to make things easier on you. Never hesitate to ask though, okay?
on Oct 19, 2005
I am so sorry you have been so down lately, Angie. As we talked about before, it can only get better when you feel at your worse! I will keep you in my prayers that you can feel comfort and eventually less pain dealing with your recent losses.
on Oct 19, 2005

Never hesitate to ask though, okay?

Wish I knew what to ask.  One of the problems with having a very good grasp on your own mortality is that death becomes a bit more difficult to take.  I'll get over my self pity party soon and be OK.  It just seemed to really pile on me this time.  This year has been a pretty stressful year filled with a lot of crap.  I get stinkin' drunk, but it would probably just make me sick LOL 

I will keep you in my prayers that you can feel comfort and eventually less pain dealing with your recent losses.

Thank you for that.  It really is appreciated.

on Oct 19, 2005
I'll get over my self pity party soon and be OK.


You know what, Angie, that pisses me off to hear you say that. You are ENTITLED to feel a bit sorry for yourself, you shouldn't feel bad about it. You've dealt with more tragedy and heartache in your relatively few years than most people experience in a lifetime, and you have done so with amazing resilience and grace.... so I don't want to hear anything else about 'pity parties', okay? Allow yourself to feel bad. Give yourself permission to be sad, to feel like life has shit on you. Have a good cry, m'love. Gawd knows you're entitled.

You know where I am if you need me. In the meantime, I'll light a candle for you and Quincy and have some good thoughts for the both of you.
on Oct 20, 2005

You know what, Angie, that pisses me off to hear you say that. You are ENTITLED to feel a bit sorry for yourself, you shouldn't feel bad about it.

Yeah, I know you are right.  But, I feel like I will completely lose it if I let myself truly feel sorry for myself.  It's not in my nature.  I don't want to feel sorry for myself, and I don't want others to feel sorry for me.  I know that there are many people who have it far worse than I do.  Of course, I guess, on the flip-side, there are a lot of people who have it better, too LOL 

Last night I was up half (maybe 3/4) of the night with my daughter.  She was running a temp of 103.8.  I am so tired today I feel like my nerves are exposed.  But, my main thoughts are still about her and my hope that her fever won't come back.  It's hard to be concerned about myself when there are so many other people to be concerned about. 

jennybean and her husband gave me a dachshund coffee mug (thanks again for that, it was really nice).  I have it setting with a Buddha statue and a lucky bamboo.  Hopefully it will bring my karma back in alignment.  The world feels a bit "off" right now, but I'm hoping it will feel normal again soon, even if that "normal" is different than it was.  Dharma, you would like the mug, it looks a lot like Henry.

on Oct 20, 2005
Last night I was up half (maybe 3/4) of the night with my daughter. She was running a temp of 103.8. I am so tired today I feel like my nerves are exposed. But, my main thoughts are still about her and my hope that her fever won't come back. It's hard to be concerned about myself when there are so many other people to be concerned about.


This is always so difficult, when your child is sick, it gets you even more anxious. I'm glad she's a little better and hope she will be up and around soon.

I have it setting with a Buddha statue and a lucky bamboo. Hopefully it will bring my karma back in alignment. The world feels a bit "off" right now, but I'm hoping it will feel normal again soon, even if that "normal" is different than it was.


I hope you will feel your "normal" self again soon and that everything will come into focus for you.

BTW, your dream about your grandma, she came to say goodbye, is how we would look at it in my culture. We believe in dreams alot, there's always a message in there somewhere. I remember receiving a kiss so real from my dad the night we buried him, I heard myself talking but I couldn't tell you what I said. We hadn't seen each other before he passed on. That was his goodbye to me.

My condolences to you and your family.