He's not the man I married.....

and, I'm OK with that.

Published on July 28, 2004 By KarmaGirl In Marital Issues

I have been watching too much TV lately (been home recovering from surgery). I have this odd fascination with the shows that discuss divorces. I really don't understand divorce, so I guess I keep trying to figure out why it happens so very often. The statement that I hear most is "he/she is not the man/woman that I married". I think to myself, "really? Like you are the person that *they* married?"

My husband is not the man I married. I am not the woman he married. We have both changed. People do that. They change. You have life experiences, you change. Can anyone expect the other not to?

I think the biggest problem is that people expect their spouse to only change in the ways that the other *wants* them to. They don't realize that the annoying traits will always be there (and may get worse). They want the other person to change for the better, or what is "better" in their eyes.

But, that doesn't happen. People change how people change. That isn't a bad thing. It just means that a person is developing their personality. You can either accept that the person will change and love them for who they are, or you can just change in your own way and just let them grow apart from you.

I know that I am much different from the person that my husband married. When he met me, I was thinner, was into art a lot more than I am now, was more spontaneous (which is easy to do when you have no responsibilities) and was a lot less mature. He was different, too. He was a lot less talkative, he weighed less (he is more muscular now), had never taken care of a child, and didn't have a real clear view of what he wanted in life. I am sure that there are things that have changed for the "worse" with him, but I really don't see it. I see the little things that he does that annoy me, but I have accepted those things long ago because they are simply things that he does, and that will not change, and I don't expect them to.

But, I have a feeling that there are many people that are not like me. They expect perfection from their mate, even though that will never happen and they themselves are not perfect in the least. I know that I am far from perfect, and I know that my husband loves me even though I have "changed" through the years.

So, try not to focus on the things that are wrong with your mate, think about the things that are right. Remember that nobody is perfect and that people will always have their faults, just like you have yours. People *will* change, and that is the beauty of life. However, it's how you view those changes that will determine your marriage- you can embrace them and have a happy marriage. Or, you can view them as a bad thing and your marriage will fail.

Comments

MarcieMoo

on Jul 28, 2004

Yay! Awesome article with great insights. I think if people go into marriage thinking that their spouses are going to be the same in fifty years as they are their wedding days, they're in for great disappointments. I think that we need to revel in the fact that our spouses change, grow, and mature, and support them in those positive changes!

dharmagrl

on Jul 28, 2004

First of all - welcome back! Glad to hear that things went well and that you're on the road to recovery...you were sorely missed around here!

Secondly..good article! I'm not the woman Dave married either, just as he's not the man I married. We grew, and we changed. People have a habit of doing that....!

I view marriage as a trellis, and the people in the marriage as the vines. The marriage provides the framework for the vines to grow on. Some vines like to grow on the trellis naturally...but some vines don't. You have to train those vines to grow on the trellis, sometimes you have to tie them to the trellis until they get the idea. Sometimes the vines go in totally opposite directions...but with the right care and treatment they'll end up in the middle, growing together.

People always think that once you get married, that's it...that you don't have to work at your relationship anymore. WRONG! Marriage is work, sometimes it's hard work...but the end result is so worth it!

CS Guy

on Jul 28, 2004

I think one of the problems for these people is that he was never the man you married (or the woman you married). When thinking back on life we have a tendancy to filter our perceptions. Chances are your spouse was never really like how you imagined. When we want to think about "the good ole times" we tend to ignore any of the bad. When we think about "the hard times" we tend to neglect the good. Our memories are very rarely an accurate depiction of reality.

Lengirl

on Jul 28, 2004

Hi,

It's nice to read an article that is full of common sense and truth!

[ We have both changed. People do that. They change. You have life experiences, you change/quote]

Change is the spice of life, (or so I've always heard) and I love it. My partner and I have grown and changed with time and I expect that we have further growth and change to do over the rest of our life, and I look forward to it. Yes he annoys me at times, but I'm sure I also annoy him, but we're still plugging along together. I suppose that's the point, change is always going to happen, whether you want it to or not, so we may as well sit back and enjoy the ride.

Thanks again, good article!

CS Guy

on Jul 28, 2004

Change is the spice of life

Variety is the spice of life. Change is the simmering that brings out the flavours.

bakerstreet

on Jul 28, 2004

I think that if you share your time, and you share your problems and hardships, you change together. If, however, you spend all but the last couple of hours in the evening apart, and find yourselves dealing with life separately, I think you change independantly.

I think the loss of the "home" is the main factor. Houses are like hotels now, people go there to sleep, and even when they aren't working they need to be "going somewhere". When both my wife and I were working, I saw my friends a lot more than I saw my wife, and it fundamentally changed how we dealt with each other.

apollyon exterminans

on Jul 28, 2004

Too true, and the irony of it is that all those "little things"" we find endearing at first soon become irritating and then intolerable. My Husbands absent mindedness used to be cute, now im finding it to make life a lot more difficult than it needs to be.....

Dont marry expecting change, but expect it all the same...for the better and worse.
"

KarmaGirl

on Jul 28, 2004

hehe...I assume that was actually lil_whip that made that comment, right?

lifehappens

on Jul 28, 2004

"Men marry women hoping they will never change.....Women marry men planning the changes....."

Stupid quote, but it's true more often then not.

My husband isn't who I thought he was when we were married.....he told me point blank, "I'm a closet slob" Having seen his wall locker, I believed him. What I didn't realize was that the Army kept it confined to his wall locker.....he REALLY meant, "I'm a slob in hidding....just wait till we get out of the barracks." (In his defense: he is "cluttered" messy not "disgusting"messy)

We have come to a compromise over the years, He keeps it confined to one area. I don't touch his personnal stuff unless I am putting it back on the pile o'stuff.

People change and sometimes WE have to change to make it work with someone else. That's whats so sad about divorces, one person changed or didn't and the other one was unwilling to compromise...."

Jamie Burnside

on Jul 28, 2004

Fortunately for my wife, I continue to improve on a daily basis. I was an awesome catch then, and I get better every day.

Draginol

on Jul 28, 2004

If my wife would allow me to encase her in wax, I could honestly say that she won't change after that...

JillUser

on Jul 29, 2004

My mother-in-law had a list of things she wanted me to change about my hubby. I can say that the important, core things about him (morals, values, goals) haven't changed. I loved him the way he was and had no plans to change him but he has changed. He is changed in many wonderful ways. Like you said, life experiences change you. Marriage, career, parenthood, all of the things we have experienced since we got married have changed us.

Bakerstreet made an excellent point though. Too many people are "growing apart" because they aren't exeriencing life together for the most part. They don't spend enough time together and they don't take interest in what the other is doing. You have to stay connected to grow together and that doesn't mean just stay married.

Good article!

mignuna

on Jul 29, 2004

karma, my nanna has a saying ... "women spend years changing a man, then they complain that he's not the man they married !".

i really enjoyed this article, and i agree with your theory on marriage. "warts and all" is the only real way to love, and it's only right to expect perfection if we ourselves are perfect (i'd hate to see how badly i'd show up against a "perfect" man with all my flaws hehe).

People *will* change, and that is the beauty of life. However, it's how you view those changes that will determine your marriage- you can embrace them and have a happy marriage. Or, you can view them as a bad thing and your marriage will fail.

wise words indeed, karma. thanks for sharing them

mig XX

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